Immutable

This word has been popping into my head quite a bit lately. It brings reassurance and refocuses me. Though changes are about me, there is ONE who never changes.

Today I marvel at how I can feel like things are going so smoothly, almost like I’ve got a handle on this thing. (I should always shudder at that thought!) Then, BOOM. Out of no where, chaos. Thankfully, the chaos doesn’t seem to last as long, and I seem to be able to navigate to the IMMUTABLE ONE faster than before. Nonetheless, it still catches me off guard.

I experience this on a number of levels, both internally and externally. On the external level, the behavior of the kids (and my ability to respond well to them) is a good example. Take today for instance. I took three kids to San Diego yesterday to an air show. It was fun. But this morning, everyone was (understandably) tired and cranky..and Fin woke us up at 5:30am. I felt the heat rising. I managed ok for a while, but when we were about to go out the door to church and I couldn’t find a hair brush, comb…NOTHING to put through my hair, I started feeling like I was going to lose it. On the way to church, I refocused my expectations of myself and the kids (who were in the backseat engaging in some silliness that I was quite sure would not lead to a good place). Then I told a story. Something like this: “Do you know what a bit is? It goes like this (finger across teeth) in a horse’s mouth. Try it. Well, attached to the bit are two reins. You pull the left one if you want the horse to go left (I turned my head left) and you pull the right one if you want to go right (I turned my head right). Can you sit up like you’re riding a horse? Now, right now I’m sitting on a horse, and I’m frustrated. I can choose the path on the left, and go on being cranky about it. Or I can choose the path on the right, and put on some thankfulness. I think I’ll do that. Now as for you guys, you can choose to engage in a bit of this silliness and have fun (path on left), or you can lose control of your horse and end up getting in trouble (path on right).” Thankfully, we all chose the left path.

OK, so that’s the external example. From “kids are going along ok (or at least I’m handling their craziness calmly and with a self-controlled voice)” to “kids are driving me nuts (and I’m not handling it as well).” It can happen in a flash. What do I do to recover? Manage expectations, and remember IMMUTABLE. There is ONE who is for me and has a character I can depend on. I don’t have to guess.

Then there’s the internal. Most of the time lately I feel abundantly satisfied. I really like where I am with the kids, with work, and in the time lately I’ve had to think and write out some thoughts and pray through some things. But there are some moments when I have a creeping sense of something missing. (I long for Stan to return, of course…and this is part of it, but there’s more.) I’ve done some thinking about this, and I believe at the heart of this are two things: 1) This life is not all there is…there is a longing for things to be perfect, as God created them to be…without struggle, sin, sadness, separation, etc.; and 2) I want to be perfect, and when I’m not, I don’t like it. Today in our prayer of confession there was a line something like this: “Forgive me for trying to base my approval from You on my own performance rather than on the finished work of Christ.” Again, I think about IMMUTABLE. Not only is He unchanging, His opinion of me is also UNCHANGING, based on a sacrifice made two thousand years ago. Now if I can just wrap my head around that one….

Advertisement