1. Stan is on his way home. As in, in 48 hours we should have him back. His things have been arriving in boxes over the past 2 weeks. It still hasn’t felt so real. Until today. It’s starting to set in. I told Jamey’s preschool teacher today that next week I will NOT be 1 minutes late showing up to teach music, because 10-11am on Friday will not be my only chance in the week to buy groceries with two children instead of three.

2. There are times lately when I have dreamed of a different house. Particularly, I have dreamed of a house Stan designed for us years ago…a sort of dream. Modern. Clean. Simple. Tall spaces. Etc. I remember when we first married I wasn’t all that understanding of the modern thing. I embrace it now and want more of it. But tonight, as the kids are in bed and I look at our cozy abode, I love all 1282 sq ft. It is ours, and soon it will be much fuller than it has been.

3. Just this past week, Ginna and Jamey started going to sleep together in their room without me staying to sing Jamey to sleep. This has been one huge item of gratefulness this week. I’m not just grateful that they are moving on and able to do this (though I am grateful). But rather, I am grateful that God gave me to sensitivity to make that choice this year: to sing Jamey to sleep. On the surface, such a choice seems kind of silly. He had been going to sleep on his own for a long time. And it did mean some craziness for me. There were many nights that I held Finley in one arm while giving Jamey a back scratch on the top bunk and singing. But after feeling like I completely blew it with requiring too much of Ginna at too young of an age in regards to sleep, I am glad to have not done so again. And the two going to sleep together in the same room is hard for GInna, who is ultra-stimulated by the presence of other people. I am not saying I was always patient or cheerful at bedtime (and I struggled immensely with this time of day!). Inside, I often felt like a horse running for the barn, waiting for my alone, quiet, “no answering questions” time. I don’t know if I’m explaining this well, but I’ve been overwhelmed with thankfulness this week about this for some reason. I’m just grateful that I didn’t do what I sometimes do…cave to what I perceive to be an appropriate parenting strategy rather than taking my child’s temperament and life phase into the picture. After all, he is four now and going to sleep just fine unassisted. I won’t be singing him to sleep in high school.

4. Emotions are funny things. Honestly, I haven’t dealt too much with them lately. This is pretty normal for deployment….to not feel a lot in certain phases. I was VERY emotional last January. However, when Stan redeployed in August, I didn’t cry. I was in the mode, and I had figured out how to manage. There was a sort of “wow” moment a bit over a month ago when I started processing our return to normal. I didn’t talk about it at first. But when I did, and talked to Stan about it, the emotions subsided. Now, they sneak up on me at the most unexpected times. Like when I see people in uniform. Or tonight when we were talking to a ChickFilA employee about Stan being on his way home…and Jamey told her his daddy was coming home from Afghanistan. I felt the surge of emotion, like I was on the brink. I smiled and paid for the food.

5. We are thankful for whatever this year brings. And for now, we have “Stan” goods in the house. Yes, in the hour of grocery shopping today, I made sure we had chips, soda, and the ingredients for Mediterranean food (Stan’s first request)…oh, and some Christmas foods he missed out on….

Dear Finley,

How can you be one already?? You are such a delight to me! In a year of change and craziness, holding you and looking at you smile has been a comfort and joy to me. I am so glad to have you.

On this first birthday, you are crawling very fast and getting into lots of things. You are getting close to walking but are pretty happy crawling. Your favorite game is to hand me an object and wait for me to offer it back to you. You love your siblings, and they like to take care of you. You and Jamey have started playing some little games together, and Ginna still asks to hold you, pick out your clothes, and take care of you. She is always willing to go get things for you when I need them. 

Everywhere I go, people comment on your eyes. As in, very few days go by when I don’t get a comment about how beautiful they are.

You are easy-going. You love food and are a very adventurous eater. You light up when I walk in the room. You show your excitement by making a little noise and smiling really big.

I’ve often wondered how many kisses I give you in a day. Since they usually come in sets of five or six, I wouldn’t be surprised if you get 100 a day.

I am so thankful for you, little guy, and I thank God for you often.

Love,

Mommy

Today I marvel at how I can feel like things are going so smoothly, almost like I’ve got a handle on this thing. (I should always shudder at that thought!) Then, BOOM. Out of no where, chaos. Thankfully, the chaos doesn’t seem to last as long, and I seem to be able to navigate to the IMMUTABLE ONE faster than before. Nonetheless, it still catches me off guard.

I experience this on a number of levels, both internally and externally. On the external level, the behavior of the kids (and my ability to respond well to them) is a good example. Take today for instance. I took three kids to San Diego yesterday to an air show. It was fun. But this morning, everyone was (understandably) tired and cranky..and Fin woke us up at 5:30am. I felt the heat rising. I managed ok for a while, but when we were about to go out the door to church and I couldn’t find a hair brush, comb…NOTHING to put through my hair, I started feeling like I was going to lose it. On the way to church, I refocused my expectations of myself and the kids (who were in the backseat engaging in some silliness that I was quite sure would not lead to a good place). Then I told a story. Something like this: “Do you know what a bit is? It goes like this (finger across teeth) in a horse’s mouth. Try it. Well, attached to the bit are two reins. You pull the left one if you want the horse to go left (I turned my head left) and you pull the right one if you want to go right (I turned my head right). Can you sit up like you’re riding a horse? Now, right now I’m sitting on a horse, and I’m frustrated. I can choose the path on the left, and go on being cranky about it. Or I can choose the path on the right, and put on some thankfulness. I think I’ll do that. Now as for you guys, you can choose to engage in a bit of this silliness and have fun (path on left), or you can lose control of your horse and end up getting in trouble (path on right).” Thankfully, we all chose the left path.

OK, so that’s the external example. From “kids are going along ok (or at least I’m handling their craziness calmly and with a self-controlled voice)” to “kids are driving me nuts (and I’m not handling it as well).” It can happen in a flash. What do I do to recover? Manage expectations, and remember IMMUTABLE. There is ONE who is for me and has a character I can depend on. I don’t have to guess.

Then there’s the internal. Most of the time lately I feel abundantly satisfied. I really like where I am with the kids, with work, and in the time lately I’ve had to think and write out some thoughts and pray through some things. But there are some moments when I have a creeping sense of something missing. (I long for Stan to return, of course…and this is part of it, but there’s more.) I’ve done some thinking about this, and I believe at the heart of this are two things: 1) This life is not all there is…there is a longing for things to be perfect, as God created them to be…without struggle, sin, sadness, separation, etc.; and 2) I want to be perfect, and when I’m not, I don’t like it. Today in our prayer of confession there was a line something like this: “Forgive me for trying to base my approval from You on my own performance rather than on the finished work of Christ.” Again, I think about IMMUTABLE. Not only is He unchanging, His opinion of me is also UNCHANGING, based on a sacrifice made two thousand years ago. Now if I can just wrap my head around that one….

I haven’t taken the time to say much about our time together in August. I had started keeping a mental list of all the things I had forgotten about, and how wonderful they were. But somewhere in the midst of “Gray normal,” I failed to transfer the thoughts into writing. I do remember a couple of things:

1. I had forgotten what it was like to go out for a meal at somewhere like Panera and only be responsible for placing my order, and helping the kids decide on theirs. I did not have to try to fumble through a purse to pay with a baby on one hip and two kids around me.

2. Someone in church commented, “Oh, that’s what it looks like to see your 3 kids dispersed between TWO adults! That is what this is supposed to look like.” I’ll admit, having Stan in church made things much easier. More than that, it was a huge comfort to have him next to me.

3. Sometimes I feel “trapped.” Like if I need milk or eggs or something little like that, and I don’t feel like dragging three kids to the store. Granted, I take all three kids shopping with me a lot; I think it is good for them to learn how to participate in this activity respectfully! But I don’t always feel like doing it. And in this season, my “grocery planning” is much more relaxed. Translation: I don’t plan as well, and I end up shopping frequently. In normal circumstances, I usually grocery shop frequently. But it was nice to have another adult at home so I could run to the store alone (or with 1-2 kids even!) if necessary.

4. We shared our 7th anniversary together. We celebrated with a dinner at Joe’s in Venice, one of our favorite places here. Yum!

I told Stan a few days ago that I am used to this rhythm (life with 3 kids and a deployed husband) now. It feels normal. But I miss him a lot. I am ready to have him back for good!

Jamey was super happy to go back to preschool, this year three mornings a week.

Today when Ginna arrived home, she wanted to teach Jamey and me how to do a craft that she learned to do today in school. She asked for paper, scissors, and glue, and went to work teaching us.

Ice cream! They tasted flavors today and made a graph to show the class favorites. She reported that chocolate won, vanilla received the fewest votes, and strawberry was in the middle (her personal favorite).

On another note, last Friday Jamey asked me to take his training wheels off. Within 10 minutes, he was riding his bike unassisted. Not to be outdone, Ginna asked me to remove hers as well (which we had tried last summer and experienced a complete disaster…running stooped down alongside a bike trying to keep it from toppling is NO FUN!). I think she was riding in 3 minutes. The next day she was turning circles, starting and stopping herself, etc.

Here is his “gear.” (not to be confused with batting gloves and baseball pants!)

And here’s the kicker. I asked Jamey Friday night what made him want to start riding sans training wheels. He went and got his “yearbook” from preschool and showed me a page of some BMX bikers doing “tricks.” He said, “These guys don’t have training wheels, Mom. So I wanted to do it, too.” He is all about doing crazy stuff that he sees! Today he was all about me getting him a scooter with a “zoom button” like he saw in the movie “Bolt.”

I remember thinking at the  beginning of the summer if I could just get her swimming and riding a bike by the end of the summer, I would be accomplished. The swimming lessons resulted in major progress for both, but the biking took me by complete surprise.

Lastly, I am trying to be more organized in managing all the moving elements around here these days. I’ve assigned a bulletin board to each of the older kids to display their school calendar and work (and Ginna’s weekly newsletter that tells what she is doing in school and how we can support each subject). I was also inspired by a friend to post a “character” chart for each. On this chart, I take note of instances in which I see them displaying good character. For example, when Ginna ran to get bandaids and an icepack for Jamey when he scraped himself on a tree in the backyard, I charted it. My friend was telling me that in her childhood, a lot of emphasis was placed on what not to do, but little instruction was given about what to do. It is an extension of the “putting off, putting on” that I blogged about a while ago. Instead of stirring up trouble with your siblings, find ways to encourage them..etc. I am hoping this encourages them to think about ways they can display good character!

Here are a few photos from Palm Springs. We had such a great time. It was our third trip to this resort. We really enjoyed having a kitchen and cooked yummy food at night when the kids were asleep! Ginna and Jamey did so much swimming and particularly liked diving for the dive sticks!

But for now….

An experience a couple of weeks ago has stuck with me and given me fodder for thought. Today I’ve had a chance to think through this more fully.

Here’s what happened. I took the kids to the Natural History Museum. There was an outdoor area where kids could practice digging for fossils. While my kids were playing with the shovels, I saw a little boy get mad and throw a shovel rather forcefully. I had heard the mother giving instructions to this child in a rather annoyed tone on and off. The thrown shovel set her off. She went off on the kid. “You sit right here and do not say a word. If you speak, we will go home. Why are you crying? You are not a baby. You are embarrassing yourself and annoying me.” This went on for at least 10 minutes, complete with lots of drama queen body language and noises of annoyance.

As I was watching this, I thought about two things. First of all, in my book, the mother was the one embarrassing herself. Sure, the kid deserved discipline. But this yelling, condemning style of verbally degrading her child was not called for. Second, I started examining myself for ways that I act when I am annoyed by my children’s behavior. Though I may not tell them with words that they are annoying me, I know my attitude can convey that.

I am the parent. If I can’t control my spirit towards my children, how can I expect them to learn to do the same when they are upset?

Yesterday our sermon was on words. It was based on the proverb that says reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. I am desperate for God’s help in examining my words. Particularly in discipline, I want to build and not tear down. To heal and not destroy. To work towards God’s agenda and not against it.

So, skip to yesterday: a point of practice. After church, Ginna’s Sunday school teacher told me that Ginna had a hard time listening that day. I asked Ginna about it at church and asked her to tell her teacher that she was going to work harder to be a good listener next week. Then I waited til the two of us were alone to explore this further with her. I asked questions about what was going on in her heart, if she was feeling frustrated, sad, needing attention, etc. when this happened. It turns out she wanted to be in Jamey’s class. We talked about how to handle the frustration of not getting what you want, and how it makes others feel when we use unkind words (and manipulation) when we are upset. We also talked about what will happen in the future if this happens again.

I am so thankful for good teaching about how to talk to children. I know I often fail at this, but I am also equipped with a lot of wonderful things to think about as a framework for discipline. Foremost, I am convinced that God’s kindness leads us to repentance. This song comes to mind:

It’s your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance. It’s your favor, Lord, that I desire. It’s your beauty, Lord, that makes me stand in silence. Your love is better than life.

I am sure there have been times when I have publicly embarrassed myself in parenting, and more times privately. I know I have used phrases like, “Why are you acting that way? You’ve not obeyed me all day long! What is going on?” (Note: I’ve never seen fruit come from these words…it’s just me venting my frustration.)  I think the experience at the museum will stick with me for a while.  Hopefully it will keep me in check when I am tempted to control with words rather than hold up boundaries with a graceful spirit. I’m quite certain that parenting with words and annoyance does not work.

Ginna just wasn’t sure she could wait any longer. 30 minutes seemed like an eternity to her…even after 7 months!

I just love that one!

Stan arrived home very tired and jet lagged, of course…after traveling for FORTY hours and making a 11.5 hour time change. For the two nights that he was home before heading to Colorado, he fell asleep while putting the kids to bed. He did make it back up the first night to enjoy the dinner below…his long awaited seared tuna.

Jamey clomped around the house in his boots and hat off and on all day Wednesday!

We enjoyed Greek omelettes and blueberry muffins. I even bought pretty muffin wrappers…below.

Thursday morning, Stan flew back out for 9 days of Navy training. I knew this would be hard on all of us. However, there are two things I have learned that helped me cope. First, I worked on not idealizing our time together. After seven months apart, this could easily be done. Yet I knew that Wednesday would be busy…Stan was still waiting on orders for his travel at that point, so no flight, no hotel booked…and of course ATT messed up his “return to service” phone. Not to mention the tiredness and jet lag. So, I embraced the time we had to spend together, engaged in a little “dream talk” (ha ha….), and tried to help the kids understand. Stan wanted to see the kids sing their VBS songs, so we went to the church to watch their song time. Then we took the kids swimming. Of course, Ginna wanted MORE and MORE…Daddy, will you look at the American Girl site with me? Will you play Legos with me? Will you….? And then there was the SHOW of excitement and a lot to process. (Otherwise known as loud children).

Second, I thought about the time we had this week as “bonus time.” Really, Stan’s R&R wasn’t supposed to start til the end of next week (when he returns from CO). He came in early to go to a training. I’ve had a couple of people marvel that I could deal with him coming home and then leave again. But in my mind, the day and a half we had this past week were extra days….bonus time. This is where the idea of “spin” comes in. I learned this as a child, with all the moving. Find something positive about what is going to happen, and focus on that. If plans change, no big deal…find something positive about the new thing. I actually remember verbalizing this as a sixth grader. This is the optimist in me.

The combination of these two things typify my usual perspective: striving for a good embracing of reality, while remaining optimistic. Yet wading through this with the kids is not so easy. And the sinking feeling I started to feel Thursday after he I left helped me to be gracious to the kids. After all the emotion leading up to seeing him, it felt anticlimactic to have him go so soon, after a short visit. I can appeal to my thought process to deal with the feelings; not so easy for them. So when Ginna got home from VBS Thursday acting really rude, I hugged her and asked what was going on. She started crying and said she didn’t want Daddy to leave, that it wasn’t fair. We spent the weekend staying really busy…lots of swimming and a post-VBS party (photos below). So we’re holding things together, and waiting for Friday when the “real” visit starts.

Today we celebrate 7 years of marriage. It’s amazing to reflect on all that has happened in this span of years…it feels like much longer! Stan and I often laugh at something my Uncle Ed said to me when I was engaged to Stan. He said that Stan was going to give me a PhD in life. That is no joke! Also, a special toast at one of our pre-wedding events encouraged us to have our wedding day be the day we loved each other the least. Love grows. Much has changed. We are not together today, nor were we last year on our anniversary. But I think we can both confidently say that our marriage has taught us much more about ourselves and God than anything else could do.

And, I love being Stan’s wife.

So, here’s my conclusion. Yes, we have a lot going on. But we ALWAYS have a lot going on. AND, it’s not just Stan, and it’s not just me. It’s both of us who prefer “full hands.” So, why be anxious about it? Note to self: “It’s not outside of the norm for your life, Virginia. Just go with it, and enjoy the moments as they come!”

Now, I can’t claim to have come to this conclusion all alone. A dear, wise friend encouraged me recently to not compare my family life to that of anyone else. In her words, “‘Normal’ is not the goal; a Christ-centered family is the goal.” She reminded me that every family is different, and mentioned a verse (2 Cor 2:10) that says comparisons are unwise. I’ve experienced a great deal of peace in the past week thinking about this. It helps me to embrace our craziness, and has allowed me to be even more excited about what the next month holds.

On a side note, I’ve noticed a set of words going through my head recently. I see them as fruits of the past 7 months. Several are inspired by things I have read (and yes, I’ve probably done more of that (reading) in the evenings of the past 7 months than usual). I credit Ann Voskamp and Rachel Jankovic with several of these pseudo-mantras:

“Go get grace.” (I can’t extend grace to my kids if I’m not secure in God’s love for me that doesn’t change with how well I parent/think/do in life in general. Quite the contrary: I come down with too much force, disappointment, and condemnation…unless I go get grace.)

“Don’t refuse to suffer.” (Honestly, there are times in recent parenting history that feel like suffering. I remind myself, I’m not above hard times. I am not seeking freedom from grief and care.)

“Reach out to the hardest child.” (I am trying to turn my attention, calmly, peacefully, and intentionally, to my kids especially when they are acting unkind. I don’t often execute this well yet. Working forward…)

“Find something to be thankful for.” (Just as I tell the kids….replace a cranky heart with a thankful one. A cheerful heart is great medicine!)

Three days and counting….